Holiday Stress Unpacked: Finding Yourself Amid the Family Chaos

Holidays often come with the hope for times of joy and connection, but may also feel like an emotional minefield.

Each of us has a unique story, however family time can highlight dynamics we are so closely familiar with: siblings' teasing, parents' perfectionism, control or the emotional distancing. These behavioural responses are often repetitive, stirring frustration or leaving us feeling stuck in an endless loop.

Let's try to unpack what may be going on.

Holidays tend to magnify everything - the good, the bad, and the unresolved.

The expectation of joy and togetherness can clash with long-standing recurring conflicts, creating a perfect storm of emotions. Though we do not always spend time figuring out what exactly is going on, we do notice very quickly - family members know exactly how to push all our buttons!

And this can be true for many family members at once, with everyone feeling on edge at the same time and adding to the fire.

Let's take a person called Lena and her loved ones.

Lena cared for her family deeply, but every sarcastic comment from her younger brother reminded her how her brother always seemed to "get away with things" while she carried the weight of responsibility growing up. Her mother questioning Lena's career decisions stirred up the childhood need to prove her worth as a bigger sister. Simultaneously, Lena's father’s aloofness left Lena feeling abandoned and alone in the whole situation, dropping her back into starting her primary school, when she had to stay with Grandparents for a long time.

These feelings aren’t just about what’s happening now—they’re connected to layers of emotions and memories we’ve carried with us for years.

Consider the holiday table like a stage where everyone’s past scripts are replayed.

Each family member brings their own unspoken stories and emotions into the room. Like echoes from the past, they resurface in moments that remind us of unresolved hurts or unmet needs, shaping how we feel and react in the present. 

Each family member, driven by their own wounds, adds to the chaos.

And without even realising it, they all end up in a self-fulfilling tornado of reactive responses.

Lena’s brother’s sarcasm might be his way of getting attention to hide his vulnerabilities. Her mother’s corrective comments reflect her own unfulfilled dreams and hopes. And her father’s distance might be the result of his own upbringing in a family that regarded showing feelings as weakness.

This doesn’t mean the hurt feelings aren’t real or are all "left in the past."

But recognising the layers behind everyone’s behaviours helps shift the focus from blaming and defending to understanding and connection.

Lena’s frustration wasn’t just about her family—it was about the feelings they stirred up within her.

Before delving into others' scripts, Lena disentangled the web of emotions she herself brought to these gatherings. She worked on understanding her triggers: Why did her brother’s jokes hit so hard? Why did mother’s comments leave her feeling small? Why did she feel like a child hoping for Dad's attention?

Instead of trying to change her family, she focused on acknowledging and soothing the feelings these interactions triggered in her.

It turns out that when you take a close look at your own hurt, often you also gain more acceptance into others' pain and reactive behaviors too.

Lena could see that her family members' reactions were not really all about her or targeted her. When she paused to focus on the roots of everyone's outbursts instead of figuring out how to defend herself in the moment, she noticed that her brother’s sarcasm echoed how he used to feel overlooked as a child. Her mother’s critiques mirrored her own inner critic, which she had internalized after years of trying to live up to high expectations.

These realizations didn’t excuse her family’s behavior, but they helped her approach the situation differently.

Personal work doesn’t mean ignoring the hurt others cause and doesn’t mean letting your family off the hook.

On the contrary, once you’ve done some self-reflection, you’re better equipped to set boundaries and communicate your needs to others.

Lena learned to calmly tell her brother that his jokes hurt her feelings. She also felt more comfortable and less defensive in conversations with her mother, which led to less reactivity in her mother herself. She was able to openly share some of her own feelings with her father, without being hurt by his seeming emotional distance.

These changes aren't immediate, and they do not always yield perfect results.

But they helped Lena feel more in control of her own experience, rather than being swept up in old patterns and being completely emotionally drained after the holiday season. Note that this is not always smooth sailing or linear.

If holiday stress feels overwhelming, it might be time to seek support.

Therapy, counseling, and coaching can provide a space to explore your feelings and uncover the patterns that keep showing up in your family dynamics. Whether it’s individual work, family therapy, or even just talking to a trusted friend, reaching out can make a difference.

The idea of the perfect holiday—filled with love, laughter, and harmony—is often just that: an idealized vision.

In reality, our holiday stories are messy, emotional, and imperfect—but that’s also what makes them meaningful.

Even in their messiness, these encounters offer a chance to uncover hidden patterns, understand long-standing emotional triggers, and create meaningful change. They invite us to approach challenges with a deeper sense of self-awareness and empathy, shifting how we respond and interact. Whether or not your family dynamics improve, you’ll find yourself better equipped to handle what comes your way, building stability and inner strength rather than feeling stuck "playing defence".

By focusing on your own reactions and boundaries, you open the door to growth, connection, and self-discovery.