Holidays bring joy, but they can also feel like an emotional minefield. So, if you find yourself dreading them, is the issue with your family, or is it something deeper?
Every one of us has their own story to tell, but so many family gatherings are filled with siblings' sarcastic remarks, disagreements, constant critique of personal choices, or just emotional absence. The result is some of us feeling frustrated, undervalued and stuck. So, "who and what has to change to make it all work?"
The solution is rarely as simple as changing just one aspect of the narrative.
Holidays tend to magnify everything - the good, the bad, and the unresolved.
The expectation of joy and togetherness can clash with long-standing family dynamics, creating a perfect storm of emotions. Though we do not always spend time figuring out what exactly is going on, we do notice very quickly - family members know exactly how to push all our buttons!
And these dynamics can be true for many family members, with everyone feeling on edge and adding to the fire.
Let's take a person called Lena and her loved ones.
Lena cared for her family deeply, but every sarcastic comment from her brother triggered feelings of being dismissed, which reminded her how her brother always seemed to get away with things while she carried the weight of responsibility growing up. Her mother’s critiques stirred up an old need to prove her worth as a stay-at-home Mom, while her father’s aloofness left her feeling emotionally abandoned, dropping her back into her 9th birthday party, where Dad was away and did not congratulate her.
These experiences aren’t just about what’s happening now—they’re connected to layers of emotions and memories we’ve carried with us for years.
Consider the holiday table like a stage where everyone’s past scripts are replayed.
Each family member brings their own unspoken stories and emotions into the room. Like echoes from the past, they resurface in moments that remind us of unresolved hurts or unmet needs, shaping how we feel and react in the present.
Each family member, driven by their own hurts, adds to the chaos.
And without even realising it, they all end up in a self-fulfilling tornado of reactive responses.
Lena’s brother’s sarcasm might be his way of masking his own insecurities. Her mother’s critiques could reflect her unmet need for perfection in herself. And her father’s distance might be the result of his own upbringing in a family that didn’t talk about feelings.
This doesn’t mean the hurt feelings aren’t real or are all "left in the past."
But recognizing the layers behind everyone’s behaviors helps shift the focus from blaming and defending to understanding and connection.
Lena’s frustration wasn’t just about her family—it was about the feelings they stirred up within her.
Before delving into others' scripts, Lena disentangled the web of emotions she herself brought to these gatherings. She worked on understanding her triggers: Why did her brother’s jokes hit so hard? Why did her mother’s comments leave her feeling small? Why did she feel like a child hoping for Dad's attention?
Instead of trying to change her family, she focused on acknowledging and soothing the feelings these interactions triggered in her first.
It turns out that when you take a close look at your own hurt, often you also gain more acceptance into others' pain and reactive behaviors too.
Lena could see that her family members' reactions were not really all about her or targeted her. When she paused to focus on the roots of everyone's outbursts instead of figuring out how to defend herself in the moment, she noticed that her brother’s sarcasm echoed how she used to feel overlooked as a child. Her mother’s critiques mirrored her own inner critic, which she had internalized after years of trying to live up to high expectations.
These realizations didn’t excuse her family’s behavior, but they helped her approach the situation differently.
Personal work doesn’t mean ignoring the hurt others cause and doesn’t mean letting your family off the hook.
On the contrary, once you’ve done some self-reflection, you’re better equipped to set boundaries and communicate your needs to others.
Lena learned to calmly tell her brother that his jokes hurt her feelings. She also felt calmer and less defensive in conversations with her mother, which led to less reactivity in her mother herself. She was able to openly share some of her own feelings with her father, without being hurt by his seeming emotional distance.
These changes aren't immediate, and they do not always yield perfect results.
But they helped Lena feel more in control of her own experience, rather than being swept up in old patterns and being completely emotionally drained after the holiday season. Note that this is not always smooth sailing or linear.
If holiday stress feels overwhelming, it might be time to seek support.
Therapy, counseling, and coaching can provide a space to explore your feelings and uncover the patterns that keep showing up in your family dynamics. Whether it’s individual work, family therapy, or even just talking to a trusted friend, reaching out can make a difference.
The idea of the perfect holiday—full of love, laughter, and harmony—is often just that: an idea.
Our real holiday stories are messy, emotional, and imperfect.
By starting with yourself, you can navigate the holidays with more clarity and compassion. Whether your family dynamics improve or not, you’ll find yourself better equipped to handle whatever comes your way. Sometimes, these efforts might inspire others in the family to reflect on their own behaviors. Other times, they might not.
Either way, by focusing on your own reactions, boundaries, you also open the door for more growth, connection, and self-discovery.