In basic arithmetic, one plus one always equals two. But in therapy, individual work first can lay the groundwork for greater progress in couples therapy - or, on the contrary, reveal that one plus one may work better apart.
Take Mark and Emma, for example. They both felt stuck in a loop of frustration and loneliness, wondering if they could salvage the love they once shared. Emma lashed out, blaming Mark for their struggles, while Mark withdrew, hoping to avoid conflict and thinking, "This too shall pass."
At their breaking point, they decided to try couples therapy.
At first, their sessions together seemed promising.
The both learned tools for clearer communication, practiced phrases to defuse arguments, and even explored some of the dynamics driving their conflicts. For a while, things improved. But when stress ramped up—a tough week at work, family obligations—the "bubble burst." Emma felt like she had tried everything, and Mark retreated further, ready to give up entirely just to avoid the conflict.
What were they doing wrong?
A simple metaphor comes to mind: a dance requires each partner to know their steps before moving together in harmony.
Personal growth is like learning your rhythm before coming together in a harmonious dance of a relationship. Even if one person carries their partner or leads for a while, the movement eventually falters unless both learn their own footing.
Without this internal clarity, even the best techniques and communication strategies can crumble under pressure.
For Mark and Emma, the root of their challenges wasn’t just about each other.
Emma’s frustration stemmed from her being afraid of being dismissed, a fear tied to growing up as the eldest sibling, often feeling overlooked. Mark’s withdrawal wasn’t indifference but his way of avoiding the shame and inadequacy he’d felt growing up with a critical father.
Their arguments weren’t really about dishes in the sink or missed date nights - they were echoes of old wounds.
Individual therapy gave them the space to get to know these patterns.
For Emma, personal therapy meant recognizing why she felt triggered by being ignored and building a relationship with that part of herself, offering it the validation it craved rather than relying on Mark to meet that need. For Mark, it involved facing the vulnerable part of him that feared failure and finding ways to remain present even when conflict felt uncomfortable.
These aspects of their personalities didn’t need to be "fixed" or rejected; they needed acknowledgment and care, with each partner exploring their own systems at their own pace.
When Mark and Emma returned to couples therapy, the experience felt different.
This time, Emma could admit that her feelings of being dismissed were not all about Mark. Mark could explain how his withdrawal wasn’t rejection but a way to manage his own insecurities. With these insights, their communication became less reactive and more honest.
They were no longer fighting their own fight, but working together to rebuild their connection.
This process doesn’t mean the work ever truly ends.
Our inner worlds and external relationships are constantly evolving. There’s no point where you perfect the dance and never need to practice again. Life brings new challenges and opportunities for growth, both individually and as a couple. But by continuing to work on themselves, Mark and Emma laid a foundation for empathy and resilience.
This is why individual therapy before - or alongside - couples therapy can be so valuable.
How do you know if individual therapy is right for you before couples therapy?
Ask yourself: How well do I understand my own reactions? Are my responses driven by my partner’s behavior, or do they possibly reflect something deeper within me? This is a hard question to answer, especially when facing relationship stresses and personal struggles.
Sometimes, individual therapy helps you uncover those answers, and sometimes it uncovers a deeper truth about the relationship.
Importantly, individual (or couples) therapy doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will thrive.
Sometimes, deeper self-reflection reveals that the most compassionate path is to separate. By understanding their own needs and patterns, individuals can make decisions aligned with their well-being and values. While this choice may be painful, it often leads to personal growth and healthier relationships in the future.
Relationships, unlike arithmetic, do not follow simple rules.
One plus one in a relationship can mean more than the sum of its parts—or it can also mean choosing different paths. Both outcomes, when grounded in self-awareness and honesty, hold immense value.
Whether staying together or growing apart, the journey starts with knowing yourself.