Confidence is not a one-size-fits-all accessory you put on in the morning and take off at night.
Many women feel pressured to show a facade of confidence at work, hiding their true feelings and needs. We think, "I need to be more confident to stand up to my boss and stop giving in to their annoying requests." So, many of us either hide behind temporary confidence boosters or push ourselves to the limit. Yet, we often still feel defeated at the end.
And the cycle continues until we can no longer sustain it.
Ask yourself, how many people do you know who are truly confident?
Perhaps you think of certain public figures or colleagues. But how much do you really know about their inner lives and struggles? Often, what appears as confidence on the outside may be a mask for insecurity and the need to appear strong and in control.
"Fake" confidence often comes from external validation.
Let's start with an easy-to-grasp example.
Think back to your teenage years when all the "cool kids" dressed a certain way. Those who didn't were seen as "outliers." Those "fancy jackets" or "new sneakers" provided a temporary sense of belonging and approval. Teenage years are gone, but this behavior often becomes deeply ingrained in our psyche.
We seek validation from others well into adulthood.
I’ve been there.
During my days in investment banking, I bought expensive watches and outfits, hoping they would gain the respect of my colleagues and advance my career. Don't get me wrong: certain attributes are expected, like formal attire at an opera. But that expensive watch didn’t make me better or more competent. More importantly, it didn’t make me happier, more fulfilled, or mean my colleagues suddenly saw me differently.
Sadly, this cycle continues with no end—there is always "a better watch" needed for validation.
Unfortunately, it is not only material objects that we use to gain external validation.
Women often believe that the only way to be rewarded or respected is to be useful or helpful to others. So, we forget our own needs and wants and take on the extra workload. This extreme acceptance and inability to set boundaries often lead to burnout.
Note, this is not about avoiding responsibilities or deadlines.
It is about aligning your work and focus with your true desires and ambitions.
Imagine constantly volunteering for additional projects at work. At first, it might feel rewarding as you receive praise from your superiors. However, over time, as more and more work piles up, the load can become overwhelming and unsustainable.
But even that is not the end of the story.
Many women feel compelled to adopt dominant, assertive behaviours at work, believing it’s necessary for success.
We play the role of the invincible Superwoman—bold, unyielding, and always right—but often find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of the day. Our significant contributions to workplaces and communities are undeniable, yet there's a difference between true confidence and the act of appearing powerful. Often, this "played confidence" hides deeper feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
This Superpower strength is a big part of our identities, but often it is not all of it.
Having confidence isn't an all-or-nothing game either, nor is it constant over time.
Often, being confident involves a mix of responses—knowing when to lean on certain behaviours and when to step back. There are also moments when we naturally excel and effortlessly flow through tasks, whether that’s crafting the perfect presentation or creatively tackling a client’s design request. And it's perfectly fine to boost your confidence with a treat or something special for yourself.
What I am really curious about is how we can build confidence that is true to who we are inside.
Oddly enough, authentic confidence goes hand in hand with vulnerability.
We all make mistakes and fall down. What matters is how we respond to the mistakes we made. Recognizing your mistakes allows you to focus on growth areas, paradoxically, so you can make even more mistakes, learn from those, and keep growing! And since our lives and situations are so unique, your path to true confidence is also unique.
We may have the same "tricks" to boost our confidence, but what true confidence means and feels like for you is an answer only you hold.
If you think it sounds like "some positive-thinking mumbo-jumbo", just bear with me for a minute.
I admit that what I am saying may not resonate with you. Maybe some of it may seem "too good to be true" or "too out there." Some of it you may plainly disagree with. There are also multiple other ways one may be building confidence at work not mentioned here. It is a complex topic and and I do not claim to have all the answers.
What I do know is that building genuine confidence takes time and self-discovery.
I also believe that if you have true confidence, everything else comes naturally.
You no longer chase the latest fashion trends and are happy to develop your own style. You love your work and therefore excel at it. You praise yourself for your achievements and accept your mistakes with curiosity and no judgment.
It's simple, but it is not easy.
"This is great and all, but getting to true confidence seems impossible," you might say.
I agree—it’s a long process, and one may never be 100% confident. We all have days when we feel on top of the world and days when everything seems to go wrong. True confidence is acknowledging and accepting both.
You cannot order confidence on Amazon—it’s already within you, just waiting to be uncovered.
So, where does one begin? How to start building true confidence at work?
Listen to yourself: Ask yourself daily, "What do I need today to feel more confident and fulfilled?" It could be something small, like taking a walk with a trusted colleague to reflect on a meeting and gain their perspective. Or it could involve educating yourself on a topic you’re excited about. For instance, if you’re interested in project management, consider taking a short course or reading a book on it. This not only boosts your knowledge but also your confidence in handling related tasks.
Take a pause: When you encounter a challenge, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to struggle and that you are doing your best. Memorize that feeling and revisit it later when you have time to reflect. Ask yourself, "What is really driving me down?" It could be the tone of your boss’s critique or simply exhaustion from your workload. Understanding the root cause helps you address it more effectively.
Listen to your team and boss: Often, the most painful experiences highlight areas we need to work on. This can be difficult to accept, but it’s a crucial part of growth. If your boss’s feedback seems harsh, try to separate the tone from the content. What specific points are being made? Are there areas where you can improve? Constructive criticism, though hard to hear, can be invaluable for personal and professional growth.
Be kind to yourself: Each day, remind yourself of three things you did well. If nothing comes to mind, remember that it’s a learning process. Thank yourself for trying and return to this exercise tomorrow. Over time, you’ll accumulate dozens of achievements to be proud of. Additionally, consider keeping a journal where you document these achievements. Reviewing this journal periodically can provide a morale boost and remind you of your progress.
Remember, you are not alone. Seek out support groups, coaching, or therapy. Doing this alone is hard, and no one should have to. Joining a group of like-minded individuals can provide encouragement and accountability. For example, a women’s leadership group can offer workshops, mentorship, and networking opportunities that are incredibly beneficial.
Finally, authentic confidence is a journey, not a destination.
It's natural to have doubts and questions along the way. True confidence means accepting both your highs and lows. While short-term boosts can help, long-term confidence comes from aligning your strengths with your true self, without judgment. Authentic confidence isn't about perfection; it's about being genuine.
Start with small steps and stay open to what you learn. Remember, authentic confidence is already within you.