We often hear expats talk about battling cultural differences and bureaucratic challenges, but few open up about feeling unwanted, misunderstood, or intensely lonely.
Many of us hide from these hard feelings, telling ourselves: "I don’t have time to think about how I feel right now," and instead focus on battling with the new healthcare system, converting professional qualifications, and dealing with legal requirements. Even simple daily tasks, such as finding a grocery store or navigating public transportation, become overwhelming.
So, we stay busy and fully commit to the race of "trying to figure it all out" or simply put our feelings "on hold".
Beyond the hustle and bustle or waiting it out, there are often deeper emotional struggles: feelings of not fitting in, isolation, and a lack of connection with those around.
Feeling unwanted in a new country can stem from both professional and personal realms. Professionally, one might struggle to gain recognition or feel their qualifications are undervalued. Personally, building new relationships and finding a sense of community can be daunting, especially in the first years after the move.
We feel disconnected and misunderstood as the cultural references and shared experiences that shaped our identity are often absent in the new environment. It can be disheartening when seemingly no one around recognizes simple things like the music, movies, or traditions we grew up with.
Loneliness is perhaps the most pervasive of these hidden struggles. Missing family and friends, along with the familiar physical places that hold emotional significance, can make the new country feel isolating.
Feeling lost inside, we come up with ways to keep going on the outside.
Some of us stay busy, mechanically completing the to-dos and seemingly forgetting we can feel at all.
We might worry that if we don't stay super organised, we won't get the job we applied for, or we'll never have time to build friendships like the ones we had back home. There could also be the fear of being forced to return to where we came from or failing an important bureaucratic task. It can feel like a delicate house of cards, where just one small slip could cause everything to collapse.
While all the countless applications and registrations are 100% necessary, it’s important to recognise and address our feelings of being overwhelmed as well.
Sometimes we pretend "all is great" and put on our "happy face".
We might think we "aren't allowed to feel sad right now." We worry that showing signs of unhappiness in the new environment will disappoint our loved ones, no matter how tough things get. Often, we see it as our responsibility to ensure those around us, especially our children, are happy after the move. We're afraid that if we cry, express sadness, or point out what we don't like about the new home, our loved ones will lose their emotional support and drift away from us.
Interestingly, facing these difficulties with honest and compassionate conversations, even with our children, can actually strengthen our connections and love, giving us the resources to keep moving forward.
Last but not least, we might think that the aftermath of a big move is "just a phase we have to push through."
We may believe that these painful feelings are normal after a significant change and that "they will just pass with time on their own." While some feelings and stress may resolve on their own, unresolved inner conflicts can impact us and those around us. Consider a couple where both partners are doing their best to adjust to the new country, but are so overwhelmed that they hardly enjoy each other's company.
Though subtle in the moment, without being addressed, inner conflict can accumulate within us and strain our relationships.
Overall, all of these are coping mechanisms — very useful ones that keep us moving forward, but also ones that often numb our feelings.
We are so unique, it is impossible to say how one would respond to a move. And none of our actions are unjustified - we simply do our best in the situations we are in. Most of the times with enough support and inner strength we can handle anything that comes our way and come out stronger and happier on the other end. Sometimes, however, we hit the tipping point and what seemed like a good solution before, like waiting it out or staying busy, stops working.
This is where we may lose our temper, grab the cookies, or feel more inclined to "just give up the whole thing."
Without considering the consequences, we aim to distract ourselves with "guilty pleasures," by becoming distant, or by finally expressing our discontent in an outburst of anger. We might grab an extra glass of wine on a Tuesday, stock up on ice cream, or find ourselves snapping at our kids or partner.
It doesn't make us bad people to seek out or engage in these behaviours—it simply shows that there is a deeper pain we are feeling inside.
These behaviours are just our way of trying to feel better in the moment, to rescue ourselves from the overwhelming feelings of loneliness or sadness.
"Great! It seems like everything is doomed! No one should ever move!" you might conclude.
Moving abroad pushes us out of our comfort zones, revealing aspects of ourselves that might otherwise stay hidden. And the reality is that, yes, it is hard—just like many challenges we face in life.
But the good news is - even when it feels like all is lost and there's no end in sight, we are already equipped with the resources we need to get through even the toughest times.
As Maya Angelou wrote, "You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."
While each person may respond differently to the challenges of an international move and there is no right or wrong way to handle the transition and the feelings it brings, it's important to remember that even difficult emotions offer opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Embracing these challenges with self-compassion and openness allows us to transform our expat journey into a path of personal growth and learning.
In conclusion, navigating international moves and the associated feelings of sadness is a is a unique experience for everyone.
A crucial part of managing the emotional challenges that come with such moves is to acknowledge and accept feelings of sadness, loneliness, or depression as valid.
Just as various ways to cope, these emotions are as understandable, but letting the inner conflicts fester can lead to more significant issues over time. It's essential to maintain confidence in your inner strength while also being open to sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, partner, or family member.
Monitor your well-being closely. If you notice that you're struggling or feel overwhelmed, consider seeking support from a coach, counselor, or therapist.